Recipe

This post links to Sunday Scribblings post #215 recipe.

For me cooking has always been something that I have enjoyed. My earliest memory is in my grandmothers kitchen making rock cakes, angel delight and jam. Not to have all together but just the favourite things of mine at the time. As I have grown up cooking has become an integral part of my life and I love nothing more than to experiment with different herbs, textures and sauces. I think that the weirdest sauce I have ever made was using Apricot Yoghurt, Lemon Juice and Mixed Spice to cover a chicken breast. This came about as the only thing I had in the fridge was the yoghurt, needless to say it is not something that I ever intend to try concocting again!!!

My favourite thing to cook is cake - from the most simple to the most extravagant - I just wish I had more time to indulge my passion.

I simply adore the following recipe from Nigella Lawson and I'm sure that all of you cake lovers out there will too. I have to say that I have made this cake countless times and it never fails to amaze and delight.

Chocolate Raspberry Heart Cake

FOR THE CAKE

2/3 cup milk

1 tablespoon butter

1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract

3 eggs

1 cup superfine sugar

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

3 tablespoons best unsweetened cocoa

1 teaspoon baking soda

FOR THE FILLING

1/2 cup heavy or whipping cream

1 cup raspberries

FOR THE GANACHE ICING

2/3 cup heavy cream

5 1/2 oz. dark chocolate, minimum 70 percent cocoa solids

1 tablespoon corn syrup

1 cup raspberries

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Grease and line two shallowish 9-inch heart-shaped pans with cut-out hearts of parchment paper.

Pour the milk into a small pan with the butter and heat until warm and the butter has melted. Or you can just stick a glass measuring cup in the microwave. When hot, add the vanilla.

Whisk the eggs and sugar till thick, light and frothy, really frothy; I use the flat paddle of my KitchenAid mixer for this, but you could equally well use a hand-held electric whisk. Meanwhile, combine the flour, cocoa and baking soda. Buy the best cocoa you can find, as this is what determines the rich and glorious taste of the cake.

Still beating the eggs and sugar, or going back to beat the eggs and sugar, pour in the hot buttery, vanilla'd milk and when incorporated, slowly fold in the flour-baking soda-cocoa mixture, wither with the flat paddle on slow or with a rubber spatula by hand. You will need a final scrape-down and fold with a rubber spatula in any event.

Divide this mixture between the two pans and bake for about 20 minutes. Remove to a wire rack and let cool in their pans for about 10 minutes before turning the cakes out, and then turning them over so that they are sitting on the wire rack, out of their pans, the right way up. (This is because they are such tender cakes that the wire racks will leave indentations.) Now, I know the cakes look very thin and flat at this point, but I promise you the finished cake has the requisite depth once it's filled and iced.

Leave the cakes until cool before icing. You can make them a day in advance, but they are sticky so you must wrap them in parchment paper before wrapping in foil.

To fill the heart, whip the cream until thick but not stiff. Add the raspberries and crush with a fork, though not too finely. The cream should turn wonderfully pink, in a rose-and-white mottled fashion. Sandwich the hearts with this raspberry cream.

To ice, put the cream, the chocolate cut up in small pieces, and syrup in a pan over low to medium heat and when the chocolate seems to have all but melted into the warm cream, take off the heat and start whisking — just with a little hand whisk — until you have a smooth, glossy mixture. Pour, and then spread, preferably with a palette knife, over the top of the cake to the edges of the heart (not worrying too much about drips).

Take out your raspberries and, about 1/2 inch or slightly less from the edges of the heart, stud the chocolate topping with the raspberries (hole side down) or however, indeed, you like.

Excerpted from Feast by Nigella Lawson. Copyright (c) 2004 Nigella Lawson

If you try this let me know what you think

When I Survey The Wonderous Cross

Just a little thought for Easter, a beautiful reflection

When I Survey The Wondrous Cross...

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord that I should boast
Save in the death of Christ my God;
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down;
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were an offering far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

Goodbyes

Looking back through Sunday Scribblings older posts for some inspiration for writing, I came accross a prompt entitled "Goodbyes". I have written several poems about Goodbyes and thought that I'd post a couple here.

Parting Speech was one of the first poems I wrote. I was 15 when I penned this as part of my English homework. We were studying the first world war and were tasked with writting about saying goodbye to soldiers leaving for the front line.




Parting Speech

As I saw you walking down the quiet and desolate platform,
My heart went out to you,
I found no words that could express the feelings and emotions,
That ran through my mind.

I could only imagine what might happen in the future,
I could only think of saying goodbye,
I just cannot imagine life without you by my side,
But I suppose I will have to try.


I will have to get used to you not being here to comfort me,
I know that you would not wish for me to be sad,
But that you would only wish for my eternal happiness.

I kept asking myself questions, "Why must you go?"
"Why must you leave me?"
I kept thinking that I was to blame, that I had sent you away,
But I knew within myself that it was because you had to fight.

You had to fight for your country, you had to fight for what was right,
When you took me in your arms and kissed me for the last time,
It was as if time stood still, went back to when we first met.

Just knowing that our sweet and tender moment could not last,
Made tears course down my cheeks.
I did not want to let you go,
I only wanted to stay wrapped in your embrace forever.

As I watched the train pull slowly and silently away,
My heart was torn in two, a whole chapter of my life was gone,
Never to be renewed.

I will always remember the look on your face as the train left,
One of sadness, emptiness and love.
I will carry the memory of you in my heart always,
And the locket you gave me I will wear with pride.

I will think of you everyday
And please remember you are mine and I am yours
For all eternity.

What Would I demand

Today's post is inspired by Sunday Scribblings post 207 - Demands.

In its simplest form the post asks for us to write about our demands if we were a celebrity. I find this a really hard concept to follow as on the one hand I despise the celebrity culture for the simple fact that for many they are unable to remain hidden in their own private world. Society as a whole wants to know everything about them, Who are they dating?, Has their marriage failed?, How big is their house?, What are their demons?. So I guess that even their demands are there ready, waiting to be plucked from the air and transcribed so dutifully in the pages of Hello, OK and Heat magazine.

Although I must admit that even I on occasion have fallen foul of the societal media machine and purchased that copy of OK magazine just because Peter Andre was on the front cover!! I know it is shallow considering my statements above but I have a genuine like of the guy and find myself fascniated by his life, I do not want to know every little thing that he has done, I'm not interested if he has Bollinger Champagne on tap, or purple towels in his room whilst on tour etc. I want to see the family man, know that he is enjoying his life with and through his young family.

So for me to assume the role of a celebrity would be a difficult one I do not know where I would start or even if I would demand anything. I think I am the most unassuming person when it comes to myself, I like to give and make people happy, anything I want remains hidden inside. Perhaps then I will twist this post and instead of being a celebrity I will be me, because I think that we at some point in our lives can all be celebrities, for example at a prize giving, the birth of a child, our wedding are these not all times when we feel important, on top of the world and as if all our dreams have come true?

Demand 1:

I want to be loved for who I am, not who you think I should be.
I am only a human being I have my own beliefs, thoughts, and dreams.
I make mistakes just like you and they are mine.
I choose my own path through life and cannot tread the one you would like.

Demand 2:

I want acceptance and approval from you, not argument and upset.
I feel that you do not always approve of my decisions, nor understand my motives.
I only have your best interests at heart and want you to be happy.
I want to help you and see you flourish.

Demand 3:

I want you to stop lying to me, as I can see straight through you.
I don't know why you feel it is necessary or the right way to behave.
I cannot take much more of your apparent disregard for my feelings.
I cannot accept you into my circle if you keep this up.

Demand 4:

I want to be happy, move forward with my life and live my dreams.
I need to fly away from all that is comfortable .
I have to live my own life now, and although I will support you,
It will be on my terms and not yours.

Demand 5:

I want to rebuild my relationship with God.
I am trying but I must try harder, I need to work through all of this.
I need the help and support of others to accomplish this
I will succeed, I usually do.

The Book That Changed Everythinng

This post links to Sunday Scribblings post 206 "The Book That Changed Everything".

As far as I can remember I have always been an avid reader, according to my family I started reading very early. The first book that I remember choosing and reading for myself was Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I was only eight when we went to WHSmiths, I remember being bowled over by the sheer amount of books in there, and the vast cavernous size of the place (today it does not seem so huge, but I suppose I have grown now). I do not know what prompted me to choose this book, nor why I thought it would be an excellent idea to read it. I only remember what my father said to me "Are you sure, you can read that? It is quite hard".

I was resolute that this was the book for me, so we purchased it and took it home. I cannot remember whether I started reading it that night, but I know that I was mesmerized by the book. I found myself dreaming about the cover, wondering what the characters might be like in reality, where they might live if they were alive in my eight year old world. I felt a distinct connection with Pip and especially wanted him to be my brother (I only had sisters you see). I loved the descriptions that Dickens postulated within the story. Although I seemed to struggle a little with the language I remember feeling very special, and like an adult because I had chosen this special book and it was mine.

I was especially spellbound by the hold that Magwitch had over Pip and this first chance meeting is one of my favourite parts of the novel.

'"Hold your noise!" Cried a terrible voice, as a man started up from among the graves at the side of the Church porch. "Keep still, you little devil, or I'll cut your throat!"
A fearful man, all in coarse grey, with a great iron on his leg. A man with no hat, and with broken shoes, and with an old rag tied round his head. A man who had been soaked in water, and smothered in mud, and lamed by stones, and cut by flints, and stung by nettles, and torn by briar's; who limped, and shivered, and glared and growled; and whose teeth chattered in his head as he seized me by the chin.
"O! Don't cut my throat sir" I pleaded in terror. Pray don't do it sir"'

To the eight year old in me this had me spellbound, I was hooked, I could not get enough. Great Expectations became my literary companion. I have lost count now of the number of times I have read the novel, but it is one to which I turn after many weeks, months, years of reading, when I have exhausted my library and do not want to buy anything new. Although my tastes have broadened and there are many other books that have changed my life in varying ways it is this one which will always be my first love, the one that set me on my literary journey through life and the one which opened up so many fictitious doors.

Fluency

This post is inspired by Sunday Scriblings post 205.

Fluency to me is associated with Motion, Liquid and Language. In this post I want to reflect upon the notion of Language.

Recently R and I wondered whether we were speaking the same language as we sometimes struggled to understand each other, in terms of what made us tick. We had seemed to drift away from the reasons why we had got married in the first place, although I suppose that after twelve years together things become complacent, common place and unexciting. We had lost the fluidity that brought us together in the first place. We were now the same people but tarnished with life experience, tiredness, and stress, we had lost the spontenaity, joy and flush that comes with first discovering each other.

I spent a lot of time reflecting about how we had lost our connection, understanding and meaning in tandem. Upon listening to a friend talk about how she did not understand her friends, I felt as if she was experiencing the same things that I was. I asked how she had found a way through and I was signposted to the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I promptly purchased the book and needless since then we have been able to inject a new lease of life into a our relationship and our marriage. It turns out that we have been fluent in the same language all along we just did not recongnise the signs. We have had to make small changes and listen out for the markers that show us how we connect

It is strange how a book can help with the reflection, reconnection and show us that we are indeed fluent together.

Friendships and Relationships part 1

R and I did not seem to be able to communicate so well anymore towards the end of 2009. I think that the multi-faceted pressures of life, including work, family, and just general day to day living had begun to overtake us. We did not seem to be able to make much time for ourselves or indeed our friends. We were in desperate need of some re-evaluation, and much needed rest. The trip to New Zealand over the Christmas period of 2009 provided us with just that respite. We had time to reflect, refocus and reconnect.

Upon our return to Blighty we found that things within the family had taken a downward spiral but due to our new found focus we were able to adapt and change without too much upheaval. Yes, it has meant that we have had to make changes within our working patterns but it has given us a new found sense of freedom. We can now be more flexible, see more people and best of all spend more time outside doing the things that we love.
Having small people around for the weekends has shown us that work is not the ultimate answer. People matter and because of this we have been able to find more time to share with family and friends.

It does seem strange that travelling 12,000 miles away, opened our eyes and proved the point that the world must have been trying to tell us all along. I'll admit that its not been easy, but I now look forward to Friday evening coming.

Big Dreams

It's been a while since I last published on here. Life has taken many twists and turns, some of them good, some of them not so. But here I am back again and determined to keep some semblance of updatedness.

Sunday Scribblings asked for us to write about our Big Dreams this week, so I thought that I would give it a go.

Our dream that is R's and mine is huge, it involves much money, a lot of boxes, a container ship, a rather long plane flight and 12,000 miles. It means saying goodbye to all that we know family, friends, homeland, security and normality. However, when this dream becomes reality, which we know it will, we will have new challenges, beautiful scenery, new and old friends close by, peace, tranquility, time and much less stress.

Our dream involves moving to New Zealand to start a new life and focus on what is important to us a reconnection with self and each other. We cannot wait to start a new life in the Land of the Long White Cloud

Natures finest, hidden gem
Enchanting places, steeped in beauty
Wonderful delights at every turn

Zephyrs moving through the fauna
Escapism from reality, a distinct possibility
Absolute tranquility, following harmony
Loveliness abundant, throughout the islands
Amazing land, created by God on High
Natural world, remaining untouched by humanity
Delightful land, where anything is possible

Jubilee (Toys)

Ok so I'm a little behind with my Sunday's but never mind ...

Jubilee

Knitted for me,
In the year of my birth,
1977, a time of celebration and Jubilee
Clothed in Red, White and Blue.

Created with love,
By an angel, now up above,
December 1st a time of celebration and birth,
Clothed in Red, White and Blue.

Given with joy,
For the newest grandaughter to love,
The littlest bear, slept by her side,
Through heartache and joy,

Still here now,
Thirty-One years later sharing her bed, the bear called Jubilee,
Waiting for the right time,
To meet the new child, for him to love.

My Angel

This week Sunday Scribblings posted the title "Vision". I decided to share another of my poems this was written just after my beloved grandmother died in 2000. I strongly believe that the night before this poem was written she came to me as an angel and promised to be with me always. From time to time I sense her still, so here is my vision to share with you...

My Angel ...

Last night I dreamt I saw an angel,
So perfect, serene and peaceful,
Her face shone, so pure and radient,
Her smile was a joy to behold, so beautiful.

Her wings made from purest gold,
Gleamed with the sight of the Son,
Her dress made from silky, satin white,
Sparkled with the light of the moon.

Her halo, simple, jewel encrusted,
Streamed with a thousand smiles,
Her not as white as it used to be,
Sparkled like the stars.

She stood beside my shoulder,
Watching over me,
She told me that she loved me,
And that she would never leave.

She's here with me always,
In everything I do,
She's quite simply,
My Guardian Angel.

Soul Mates

Sunday Scribblings asked this week whether we believe in Soul Mates and do they exist? My answer to this is a wholehearted and resounding "YES". I believe that throughout their life a person can have more than one soul mate.

I know that I have had two so far in my life. The first being an ex and the second being my husband. I also belive that although you may find your Soul Mate, you are not always destined to be with them, or that you are with them for a short time until you move on.

I want to share a poem that I wrote at the time I reconected with Richard and realised that he was my soul mate:

You

You came into my life,
like a much needed breath of air,
A light in a world of blackest night,
A world where no one could reach out and touch me,
A world where my frozen heart remained shrouded in ice.

Yet you and only you,
Managed to break the barriers down,
You melted the ice around my fragile heart,
You saw the real me beneath the multicoloured layers,
You saw the real me through the shrouding mist.

You did not turn away,
When you knew of the past, terrible but true,
You stood by and watched me crumble,
You stood by and helped me stand,
You showed me a love so strong and true.

Yet you and only you,
Remained faithful through each and every storm,
You helped me to grow strong and brave,
You helped me to love once again,
You showed me how to live once more.

Through your never-ending trust,
You helped me to love you,
You helped me to care once again,
You showed me a love so strong and true,
And now I want to share it with you

Firsts Part Deux

This week, there has been a truly amazing and inspirational first ...

For the first time in Kent the Youth Service has built an outdoor classroom, thats right an outdoor classroom!!
It's the first of its kind in the Youth Service and the first of its kind in Kent. What makes it even more amazing is that it was constructed in a week and was built entirely by young people with support from youth workers. If that doesn't promote a postitive image of young people I don't know what does.

Over five days (including a bank holiday) young people came together, and constructed this most amazing building. When they started the ground was just a field and by today it was a structure complete with a screen, a sedum roof, planters filled with herbs and attractent plants for indigenous wildlife, bird boxes, tables and feeders. All of which had been constructed by hand. All the materials that had been used were either from sustainable, donated or reclaimed.

AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING

(pictures will follow)

Worry

The prompt from Sunday Scribblings for this week is entitled "Worry"... so here goes.

At the moment there are a lot of things on my mind which give me cause to worry. The first and foremost being that I simply don't devote enough time to God, I mean I try but I always find something else to get in the way. The second worry is that since I started my new job, I don't seem to have enough time to spend with my wonderful husband Richard, he says he understands but I feel as if our relationship is going down the pan. My third worry is connected to the second in that I don't ever seem to have enough "me time", the house is a mess, the garden is neglected and the animals well if I see them at all I'm lucky, my friends who are they? It all feels as if its getting to be too much and then I worry that if I give it all up we won't be able to survive, what with the mortgage, the bills and all the other things we need to spend money on.

I suppose that this could seem a little self- centred but its not meant that way at all, I do worry about my family both close and far away, I worry about the state of our planet, the many crises that occur on a daily basis and I wish that I could spend longer trying to do something to help everybody and everything. But I know that I'm only human, I have limitations and perhaps I should spend time trying to sort out the things in my own garden so to speak before trying to help anyone else.

Disconnected

The thing I find most frustrating about disconnected is not being able to access the Internet.

When Richard and I met I only used the Internet for study and then very rarely. I had never seen a chat room, I did not have an e-mail account and Facebook did not exist. As the Internet revolution took off I vowed that it would not rule my life, that I would not fall into the trap of being at is beck and call, how untrue that all seems now. Without the Internet, I can no longer seem to function in my daily life, it rules everything that I do. If I am to work from home, I need it to access files and my e-mail account, if I want to talk to friends I need it to Skype or type, most of my computer games seem to require some form of Internet connectivity.

Use of the Internet now seems to have become as much a part of my daily life as brushing my teeth or eating some food. I want to know what happened to that girl who was not driven by the need to sit enslaved to a machine and type, I'm sure she's around here somewhere. I feel that we through the use of the internet have now become more and more devoid from human contact, yes we have endless possibilities and more scope than ever before, but what of our need for affection, compassion and love? Is all we now have perpetuated through the machine?

My poem reflects my thoughts what do you think?

Disconnected

Desiring more than is healthy
Invisible people on your screen
Sensing you are remote
Studiously composing your next response
Cut off from reality
Out of touch with humanity
Needlessly searching for company
Ever present adoration
Cybernetically communicating
Taken and shut off
Enslaved by the machine
Dying to get yet another fix.

Follow

Catching up on a few Sunday Scribblings from the past few weeks, I have another poem to add to the 24th April post entitled Following.

The Choice

I've chosen to follow you,
I've given my life to you,
I am yours, and you are mine,
In your love, I will shine.

Your love surrounds me
Your love it keeps me strong
With you, I can't go wrong.

I've decided to walk your way,
Each and every single day,
I am yours, and you are mine,
Without your love I was blind.

Your love surrounds me
Your love it keeps me strong
With you, I can't go wrong.

I've walked your path,
I know this love will last,
You are mine, and I am yours,
Jesus, Saviour, Lord and Christ

Confession

This weeks Sunday Scribblings is entitled "Confession"

For me confession has different levels of meaning, in both a secular and spiritual sense. There is the need to be open and honest with people, admission of past mistakes, when embarking upon a relationship, there is always the dilemma of do I tell or not? As a christian I find that all those things which are upon my heart are not always able to be verbalised can be put upon God and then there is comfort to be found.

I wrote this poem back in university, when I was going through a difficult time with my then boyfriend, he blamed me for not understanding how he felt, or what he needed. In a way I guess it was my confession

A Million Miles

I did not know how you felt,
I did not know of your pain,
How could I understand
When you were a million miles away?

I did not come when you called,
I did not respond when you cried,
How could I know
When you were a million miles away?

I did not understand your grief,
I did not sense your longing,
How could I see
When you were a million miles away?

I did not know then how you felt,
I still do not know now,
How can I see,
When you are a million miles away?

The second poem here is one that I wrote only a few months ago and I suppose it is a confession, about a person I once knew, and how I still feel about them now.

Once Again

Once again, I find myself thinking of you, dreaming of you,
Wondering what my life could have been if you were still here with me.
Once again, I find myself wanting you, needing you,
Trying to comprehend why you have gone.
Once again, I find myself feeling you, seeing you,
Searching for the truth behind the lie.

Once again, I find myself sitting here, laying here,
Hearing your voice upon the breeze.
Once again, I find myself standing here, waiting here,
Glimpsing you upon a distant shore.
Once again, I find myself crying here, screaming here,
Seeing you turn around and leave.

Once again, I see myself, watching you, following you,
Trying to put everything right.
Once again, I see myself in front of you, behind you,
Needing to become closer.
Once again, I see myself, near you, with you,
Part of your life, Once again.

My Garden

31 years ago, I lived in the house I do now, back then it was pink, now it's red and white.
The garden seemed so huge with its beautiful lawn, trailing roses, vegetable patch and apple trees. Today it seems just as big although structurally I've changed it. Now my garden has a pond, a Brambly and 2 Quince trees, an extensive collection of Ferns and the vegetable patch well that's slightly smaller than it was all those years ago.

When I returned back to my childhood home 5 years ago the garden was still as large as I remembered, but all the structure, love and care seemed to have gone. I was devastated as I wondered where to place the washing line gazing out upon an expansive sea of brambles. Slowly Richard and I began to clear the garden and as the days turned from weeks to months, some of the original beauty began to shine through. Peony's reappeared amongst the weeds, bluebells in the hundreds emerged in the gloom, gooseberry's climbed to reach the light and abundant roses shone through in all their splendor.

Today new things keep emerging like the Lilly of the Valley only discovered last week and these beautiful delicate pink plants, the Rhododendron flowered for the first time in two years. I believe that there is an angel walking through my garden, who tends and cares, ensuring that the new surprises keep on coming to make it a joyful, calm and happy place.

Language

Language

This weeks Sunday Scribblings offering

If we did not have language where would we be?

If we could not communicate what would we do?

Language to me is a beautiful thing, a wonderful tool, an amazing form of communication. Each and every one of us has the capacity to use it in what ever form we choose. All over the world people are using language to make sentient points and discover new things. It is one of the combining factors that all of humanity share.

Language takes on many forms and each form has an essential uniqueness that sets it apart from another, some are easy to learn whilst others take a lot of time and effort. I myself would love to be fluent in Italian, but I only know a smattering. Is this because its too hard? or because in my busy life I just cannot be bothered? I think the later is right.

Learning process
Angrily Shouting
New words finding form
Gutteral utterings
Uniqueness at every turn
Absolutely Amazing
Gabbling fast
Evidenced through history

Scary

I found a blog called Sunday Scribblings, it seems that a topic is decided upon for a week and bloggers are invited to send their input to it. This weeks topic is "Scary" so I thought as I'm scared of many things I'd see what I could do ... (yet another first)

I'm Scared of many things
Loneliness, Abandonment and Desolation
Spiders, Worms and Ants
Scratches, Stings and Bites
Blindness, Deafness and Muteness
Pigeons, Snakes and Crabs
Claws, Talons and Teeth
War, Famine and Death
Cows, Goats and Wolves
but most of all Lightening, Thunder and Wind

The Thunderstorm

Clouds Move,
Sky Darkens,
Rain Pours,
Wind Blows,
Lightening Strikes,
Thunder Roars.

Birds Fly,
Dogs Howl,
People Run,
Doors Slam,
Lights On!
Lightening Strikes,
Thunder Roars

Children Cower,
Can't Sleep,
Phone Rings,
Don't Answer,
THUNDERSTORM!

How many Firsts? Part 1

Thinking about the title of my first post, led me to reflecting about how many first times there have been in my life, and of those there are many, some positive and some not so positive. I like to think that the not positive ones have now become something I've learnt from, learnt how to manage and been able to turn into positives.

1996 - was the first time I got dumped - I thought I had found the one person I could spend the rest of my life with. I truly believed that we were soul mates as we shared so many of the same interests and hobbies. I enjoyed spending time with him and his family as it provided an escape from the craziness of mine and I felt we would last the distance, but it was not to be. 3 years of endless, springs, summers, autumns and winters, became the autumn of discontent.

Although I was devastated and spent the best part of a year trying to forget, I never really could and I think somewhere a small part of me still loves him and always will. I don't think upon those times with regret, how could I? They were some of the best years of my life, knowing that someone loved me for just being me, made me feel so special and confident in myself. I want to thank him wholeheartedly for the time we shared, the places we went and the new experiences we discovered together, for without this time I would have never met my husband.

1996 - was also the first time I went away to University - my uni years how I hated nearly every second, these are years that I try not to think about, but I feel they deserve a mention for without them I would not be where I am today. Having total freedom and nursing a broken heart went to my head, I know I did many idiotic things within the first 6 months or so, I destroyed friendships and I think I was on self-destruct, I just wanted to forget. I lost all perception of myself, my faith in God, and blamed everyone else but me.

Now I know that God was watching out for me and leading me to the place where I am today, without the awful times, the upsets and the devastation I would not have come through stronger, brighter, and better. Although it might have to taken the best part of 10 years to come through the other side, this is a time when I'll take both the positives and negatives, but never look on it fondly.

1997 - was the first time I became an Auntie - I'll never forget the day I went home for a visit, the first for a while. I can remember vividly what I was wearing, black jeans and boots and Chris' red shirt (the one I kept following the breakup). I'd just got in when my Dad said we've got something to tell you "your sisters got married and is having a baby due in November".
I remember feeling angry and upset, I'd always wanted to be the first, and now I'd never have that chance. But those feelings soon went away and on November 17th my beautiful niece Bethany was born. Now I may be an auntie to 4 other nieces and nephews, but I'll never forget that first time, the feeling of pride, a change in status and a wonder at how someone so tiny could be made a reality. Bethany's now getting on for 12 and is growing up fast, no longer can I see that tiny baby, but I'm proud of the person she's becoming.


1998 - was the ... time I met my lovely Richard and the became a girlfriend without knowing it!!
- I had known Richard for quite a while I think about 11 / 12 years on and off and if I'm honest I'd always held a candle for him. When I was 13 my mum told me I'd marry him, needless to say I didn't believe her.

Before going out with Richard, I don't think we'd ever had a conversation let alone even thought we could be on each others radar. It took one conversation with my friends Hannah and Melanie for a small thought to become a reality ... in fact they asked him out for me!! So that Easter weekend we played cards had a small conversation and a hug on the last day. He then said "I guess we'd better sod off then", which I took as "SOD OFF, I don't want to see you again". Meanwhile Richard had gone home and told his family and friends he had a girlfriend, it was only a few days later upon returning to uni that I discovered just how serious he was and the rest as they say is history ... We have decided that the SOD OFF day is now our official anniversary ... 24th April St. Georges Day.

1998 - was the first time I sat in a Police Cell - this has to have been the most scary of my reflections, I'd never been in trouble with the Police before, and in all honesty have no idea how I got there. It all started when my flat mate became jealous of my relationship with Richard and believed that I would wreck his life. It was a really bad time, and I'm just glad to have had the support of Richard, his family and his friend Jason. It was when he said that he'd stand by me no matter what, that I knew he was serious and that he was the one.

1998 - was the first time I recieved 3 Marriage Proposals - 3 marriage proposals, how lucky can a girl be? We'd only been together 4 months when he first asked me, we were walking past an ostrich farm in Wales on holiday with his parents. I told him Maybe at that point, but inside I was thinking "me, what's so special about me?" The instant we returned we told Jason, we were getting married :-)

The second time was a few months later, this time the response was "ok but you've got to ask my dad and tell your parents" I think we'd been together for 6 months at this point.

The third and final time was on my 21st birthday - 1st Dec - we had gone out for dinner and afterwards whilst looking at the stars in Eynsford, the statement came "I was going to ask you to marry me tonight but the ring isn't ready ... but will you anyway" . This time my response was "Yes". On December 24th I got my engagement ring a beautiful Ruby surrounded by 12 Diamonds, all designed by Richard.

1998 - the first time I went to Italy - this was a holiday without Richard and although it felt a little weird it was amazing, he had written me a letter for every day that I was away :-) On this trip I also met with my friend Colin, 11 years later we're still friends. This love affair with Italy has continued and I just can't keep away, this summer (2009) I'm going back.

2000 - the first time I got Married - I hated most of my wedding day, yes it had good bits but I still hated it. There were people there I didn't want, my dress was ruinned by the dressmaker, the photographer really got on my nerves, and Richard's sister was miserable, crying and downright awful. But on the upside, the flowers were magnificent, the service amazing, my grandparents and friends were there , the food was good, and we cut the cake with a big sword :-).

Best of all I was marrying the man I loved, saying vows that would bind us together in a way that nothing else could, becoming joined together in the prescence of God. That part of the day was the best saying the vows, feeling as if we were the only people in the whole world and that nothing else mattered. It's a day I don't intend to repeat because it was so special, although I think renewing our vows would be a magical thing.